Lesson 4: How to Respond Once the Person has Calmed Down

Once the other person has calmed down and you’ve talked him through the previous process  to get to root causes, you need to make a mental shift in your approach that we call the “therapist-to-counselor shift.”

Up to this point in your conversation with the upset person, you’ve played the role of a therapist, someone non-judgmental and non-directive who was mostly interested in getting the other person to talk about what set him off. If you’re going to help the person and possibly keep this situation from happening again, though, you need to find a way to make suggestions, as a counselor would.

So, let’s look at how to do this with each of the following two scenarios: (1) when the meltdown was directed at you because of something you did, and (2) when the meltdown was directed at someone or something else.

If the meltdown was directed at you, follow this process:

• First, take the discussion to the future. This helps to move the person away from the upset of the present. Ask, “What can I do (or stop doing) to keep this from happening again?” Note—ask, don’t tell. The goal is for the person to solve her own problems.
• Once he answers, summarize back to him what you heard by saying, “What you just said is much too important for me to get wrong. So, let me repeat that back so I make sure I get it right.”
• Repeat this summarizing process until you get, in Robert Cialdini’s terms, a “confirmatory yes” that you understand what the other person wants you to do or stop doing from now on.
• Then say, “I’m going to work on this, and I want to check in with you once a month (or another suitable timeframe) to see if I’ve improved.”
• If the person said something hurtful to you during her meltdown, remember that a person in this situation usually doesn’t mean what she says, so don’t take it personally. Wait till the person calms down completely, then ask her if she meant what she said about you during her crazy episode. Often, the answer will be, “No.”

If the meltdown was directed at someone else or some situation, follow this process:

• As with the process above, first, take the discussion to the future. Ask, “What can you (or we, if you plan to be part of the solution) do or stop doing to keep this from happening again?” Again, ask, don’t tell. It bears repeating—the goal is for the person to solve his own problems. That’s the only way the learning will stick.
• If possible, make a plan together with a series of concrete steps for either preventing the situation from recurring or dealing with it better when it does.
• Follow up with the person after a period of time to see if the situation has happened again and if she has tried the plan.
• Make necessary adjustments to the plan.
• Follow up again.
• Repeat the process until the person is satisfied he has a handle on it.

Most people blow off steam when they suffer an emotional meltdown. In some cases, they say or do hurtful things to themselves or those around them. Rarely do the people around them know how to help them handle their current upset, how to keep the triggering situation from happening again, or how to handle it better if it does.

But that’s no longer the case for you. You now have a process for talking someone down when he’s out of control and a process for helping him develop a solution. You now know how to give both help and solace in these challenging situations.

Exercise:

Think of someone you know who periodically (perhaps even frequently) loses control (is frequently angry, frustrated, or sorrowful). Try to remember several specific incidents in which this person “lost it.” Do you see any patterns? Why does this person continue to suffer from these meltdowns? In the first section of the worksheet provided, write down your answers to these questions.

Then, imagine yourself being present for the next meltdown. Knowing what you now know, how would you go about helping the person achieve a better result?