Lesson 3: Understanding What the Speaker is Saying—What to Do (and Not Do) on the Inside

In order to be present and attentive enough to do the kinds of things recommended in the previous lesson (paraphrase, ask clarifying questions, don’t interrupt), you may need to employ certain mental moves when listening. These moves, if developed and used consistently, can make all the difference in taking your listening skills to the next level.

Here are some critical mental skills to employ when listening:

First, listen with an open mind, without judgment or jumping to conclusions. One of the worst listening habits we can fall into is mentally jumping ahead of what the speaker’s saying, coming to a conclusion about his meaning, and then judging his point before he’s even made it. As often as not, while we’re engaged in these mental gymnastics, the speaker has finished making his actual point, which turns out not to be what we thought it was, after all.

Concentrate on what’s being said, even if it bores you or if you catch yourself daydreaming. Mentally screen out background activity and noise and refocus your attention on the speaker’s words. This takes discipline. Don’t allow your mind to wander, or you may end up in that unenviable position of having to ask your conversation partner to repeat something because you weren’t paying attention.

If you’re finding it hard to concentrate on what the speaker’s saying, try repeating her words mentally as she says them. Sure, this will feel kind of strange the first time you try it, but it works quite well to keep you “tuned in.” In addition to keeping you from daydreaming, this tactic also provides another benefit: it keeps you from planning in advance your response to what the speaker’s saying.

You may be wondering why we sometimes have such trouble focusing on what a person’s saying. The root of many listening problems is the fact that the human brain can listen much faster than people normally speak. Average speech rates are between 125 and 175 words a minute, whereas we can process on average between 400 and 800 words a minute.

There are even several software programs that take advantage of this fact by speeding up recorded information, allowing listeners to learn information more quickly. People can often listen two to four times faster than the information that was originally spoken and still learn the material. Unfortunately, you can’t ask your conversation partner to speak four times as fast to keep your mind from wandering!

The bottom line is that we need to cultivate patience in our listening, especially when a conversation seems to be “dragging,” have a positive intent in mind to truly listen to what the speaker’s saying, and if you catch your mind wandering, use one or more of the tactics discussed in this lesson to refocus.

Exercise:

For one or two days, practice repeating your conversation partners’ words in your mind after they say them as a way of staying focused on their message. Do this exercise with at least three different people (of course, you don’t have to tell them you’re doing it) and notice how it feels and how it impacts (if it does so) your comprehension of the discussion and the eventual outcome.

Then, on the worksheet provided, write a short reflection on your experience.