Lesson 3: How to “Talk Someone Down”

At this point, you have a little understanding about what’s going on inside the brain of the person you’re with who’s currently out of control and you know that to be of help, you need to remain calm yourself.

You also know that, if things get too intense, you can step away or redirect the other person to give him some time to cool off.

Still, at some point, you’re going to need to engage with the person about what caused him to lose it in the first place. After all, if your goal truly is to help the person, you can’t do so unless you address the situation.

So, how do you help someone who’s in “crazy mode”? The following process is the one advocated by Mark Goulston:

• First, let the person finish talking. Interrupting at this point is only likely to make her lose control even more.
• Next, look the person in the eyes until you get eye contact. If he’s not looking at you directly, see if you can at least look him in the left eye. The left eye is connected to the more emotional right side of the brain, so connecting with the person’s left eye will allow you to better show your concern for his feelings.
• Wait 1-2 seconds. This slight pause allows the person to catch her breath and gives your upcoming response the space to be heard.
• Then say, “You sound frustrated, and I think you’re holding back because I also think you’re upset and disappointed. So, can you fill me in on all three of those things so we can maybe make it better? Tell me why you’re frustrated.”
• It’s important that you not say, “You seem angry” because that will lead the person to vent, which isn’t productive and will just keep him in meltdown mode.
• Look for hyperbole in the person’s language. When you hear it, ask the person to say more about it. For example, if she says, “My stepmom is just horrible!” say, “Tell me more about why you think she’s horrible. What about her behavior toward you is horrible?”
• Once you work through the person’s frustration, ask, “What about all that makes you upset?” This moves the person beyond just saying how upset he is (what) and focuses on causes and effects (why). Again, let him talk it out.
• Finally, repeat this process with “disappointed.” For example, say, “I can see why you’re upset. What are you disappointed about in this situation?” The “disappointment” part of the discussion is the most important part because it will get you to the root causes and will be a much calmer discussion.

Going through this process will allow the person to gradually cool off, as each step of the conversation is moving her farther away from her initial emotional state and moving toward a more distanced, logical look at the event(s) that triggered the emotion in the first place.

It will also allow you to diagnose the root cause of the problem. Once you know that, you can shift the focus from the problem to solutions.

Exercise:

Think about all the people you know and how they respond when they’re around someone who’s highly emotional. Identify one person who is incredibly good at calmly dealing with such situations and describe on the worksheet provided how he or she usually acts in these situations. Why would you say this person is so good at dealing with these situations?